And on THAT note, I’m back! I will write more about my lovely tales about Kripalu tomorrow when I’m more awake. It’s been an amazing week and I’m happy to be home. Hope all of you lovely followers are doing well! It’s certainly been awhile. Namaste.
I’m heading on out to Kripalu tomorrow for a workshop on yoga as medicine. Very excited about this! Also getting a 90 minute thai yoga massage, which my poor upper back/shoulders are dying for. Can’t wait. I’ll be back Friday night, though there might be a few pictures here and there via my phone on the occasion. You lovely followers take care and namaste!
So I’ve always been afraid of teaching a yoga class and not being on my A game. I think everyone has that kind of moment no matter where they work, though it’s still terrifying for me. It’s not so much if I’ve had a bad day or I’m tired or what not. Actually, I’d trade that for any of the depression I’ve been feeling for the past couple of days. I had to teach on Thursday night, which I was worried about, not wanting to come off as weak to all my students. I’m slowly starting to create a good foundation of students, the ones who come up to me after class and ask questions, ask what other classes I teach, and even bring some of their friends along, too.
The last thing I want is for my students to see me after I’ve had a nervous breakdown. There are just some days that no amount of yoga can heal me and I just need to go with it. I had a really horrible, shitty day Thursday ( for a lack of better words, because really now ) and tried to stay focused and positive. Then once I got there, tried to put a smile on my face, and do my own breathing exercises, I ended up tossing whatever plan I had in mind out of my head and decided to make stuff up along the way.
Started off with a fifteen minute meditation, something I barely see in other classes. I’m lucky if I find a class with five minutes worth of grounding. I felt like I did the meditation more so for myself than for my students ( it was a Buddhist meditation for compassion, really powerful ) and when it was all said and done, everyone seemed to love it. Then fifteen minutes worth of gentle stretching and warm ups, fifteen minutes of an intense hip opening sequence, a couple reclined twists, then relaxation ( for those of you playing the home game, it’s an hour long class ). It wasn’t a typical class I normally run. It’s totally a session I would do in my free time, though: lots of meditation and relaxation, lots of yin styled poses and focus on releasing blockages than getting a bikini body. I even, for the first time, went around and gave some assisting while they were in child’s pose for five minutes. I was always afraid people wouldn’t want to be touched and told them to shoo me away if they didn’t like it. Nope. Survey says, keep it up!
And when everything was all said and done, a bunch of them came up to me after and said how powerful the class was. One of them even commented it on being “deceiving” with how peaceful we started out and then were hardcore for the fifteen minutes of standing postures. I kept hearing people saw how relaxed and refreshed they were. One of my regulars, who’s a college girl, comment to her mom she brought along how her mind’s always all over the place and how she felt like that wasn’t the case in that night’s class. I’m glad I can share that gift with people.
I don’t wear the fact I’ve been living with depression, anxiety, and manic episodes on my sleeve. I’m not that kind of person. At the same time, I’m not going to hide it if someone asks, either. Though it does make me wonder if any of them would have suspected I had a nervous breakdown earlier that day or that I live on a day-to-day basis when it comes to whether or not I’m “fine,” so to speak. As horrible as it is, I wouldn’t want to live life any other way. One of my biggest role models for bipolar, Stephen Fry, once mentioned he wouldn’t trade his illness for all the tea in China. It’s what makes us who we are. Regardless, that class showed me that I was able to pull through it and do it successfully. Sometimes its our darkest demons that help us create light in the thick of things.